written on the body

terrible and beautiful

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:15:38 GMT

I updated <lj user="hattiesburg_art"> and added a few of you guys to the friends page, so go add us. I do update every so often and while Myspace (HattiesburgArt) is more frequently updated and more visually appealing, you can still get information about the upcoming art show right there on your friends page. Tell your LJ buddies.

Upcoming art show?!?! Better get on that list, little doggie.

cowbell ball

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 22:39:06 GMT

I know its been forever, but I finally got my laptop and the internet so now I'm good to go. I can do my chats naked!

Julian's party was dancetastic for most. For me it was just nice to see so many wonderful people, especially disco diva Di.

I'm listening to the new Yo La Tengo and downloading I-Tunes. Technology is so fun.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 23:46:31 GMT

1.Elaborate on your default icon.
It's a Carson Ellis drawing. You may recognize her amazing work from the Decemberists' album art.

2. What's your current relationship status?
Committed.

3. Ever have a near-death experience?
I don't think so...but lots of near-accidents. Once a cyst on my ovary burst but I didn't realize it. The pain was so intense that I thought I might be dying.

4. Name an obvious quality you have?
I dye my hair.

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
American Analog Set - The Only One

6. Any celeb you would marry?
Paddy Considine.

7. Who will cut and paste this first?
Shereen?

8. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
I dunno

9. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yeah. His name is Will.

10. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
Yes.

11. Have you ever been in a fight?
Only screaming fights.

12. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
I've sung in front of a small audience.

13. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
if there is a CLICKETYPOW

14. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I don't go to Starbucks. But I love the coffee at Southbound and am anxiously awaiting Hackbarth's return from Mongolia, which will be a while cuz he hasn't even left yet.

15. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Back when I was depressed, I though it was fun to play with my blood. Sticky! Red!

16. Say something totally random about yourself.
My toenail does not want to cooperate.

17. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
A girl recently approached me at St Elmos in awe over my resemblance to Chloe Sevigny. She must have been wasted.

18. Do you wear a watch? What kind?
no

19. Do you have anything pierced?
ears, and at one time I had a nose and a nipple

20. Do you have any tattoos?
I've got some Theban script on my back that spells out curar, which means "to heal" in Spanish.

21. Do you like pain?
Not particularly

22. Do you like to shop?
Gosh yes

23. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Dogfood and beer

24. What was the last thing you paid for with a credit card?
Coconut milk soup

25. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Dean Linois

26. What is on your desktop background?
It's a picture of me and Will with our first lasagna, but it's cropped just to show our heads because I was cold in the picture and when I look at it, all I see is nipples.

27. What is the background on your cell phone?
nothing. my phone isn't so slick. the face plate is held on with tape.

28. Do you like redheads?
Redheads can be dangerous. But I like my red hair.

29. Do you know any twins?
there were twins in nursing school. ashlie and brandi.

30. Do you have any weird relatives?
I guess.

31. What was the last movie you watched?
Jet Li's Fearless.

32. What was the last book you read?
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 23:04:00 GMT

Take half a Valium. Read the Wasteland out loud. Dissolve into tears.

DA
Datta: What have we given?
My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed
Which is not to be found in our obituaries
Or in memories draped by the beneficent spider
Or under seals broken by the lean soliciter
In our empty rooms
DA

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 02:46:35 GMT

So me, Will, Kibodeaux, and Javon are going to Chicago in a couple of weeks and really need a place to crash on July 29 and 30. If any of you guys have friends in the Windy City, maybe you can hook me up?

Otherwise, it's sleepin in the car for us.

always someone cooler than you

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 20:02:42 GMT

I just killed a spider with The Basic Kafka.

Gave up on Delillo. I love his character's internal monologues but hate the way they converse. Too stunted. It's like he's trying for a natural conversation but the effort feels false. Reading Kafka and Kafka on the Shore because nothing scratches the Murakami itch like more Murakami.

Begged my landlady to let me stay and she submitted. Last night was a crap night. Strands of it are still floating all over everything. I want Chicago to wash me clean. Two weeks.

People can be so hard to read. So I read books and books and books.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 04:27:10 GMT

I just got kicked out of my apartment for taking the murphey bed out of the closet.

I don't know what to do.

Will is guilt-stricken and says he's moving out within two weeks with the hopes that I will be able to keep the place. This makes me feel intolerably ill because I love him and I love our home and I don't want to wake up next to anything but him.

But tomorrow I grovel. Because I don't have a place to go. And I understand my landlord's position. We shouldn't have removed the murphey bed, but we did. Now we have to deal with it.

Will lost the bolts that held the bed in the frame. I am so angered by this, and yet, it is exactly something that I would do. So I can't blame him. Our plans for the night were to watch Twin Peaks and fall asleep a happy couple. Now we get to deal with this mess of worry. But like Raney said. It's all chicken shit. I'm like a Murakami character driven by fate that flows as freely as the wind. Strangely, I believe in fate. It keeps me searching in a Neil Young kind of way. And if this is what is happening, who am I to say it wasn't going to happen all along?

But with this tolerance comes the sudden deluges of uncontrollable tears. Because what is happening isn't what we wanted to happen. And because it makes me think of all the things that happened when someone didn't want them to happen. And the incredible sense of loss and guilt. And the people that I love. And the ways I can't find myself. And the ways I can't be with the people that I love anymore because of the things that happened that they didn't want to happen. And suddenly everything applies.

summer and so and so

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 17:22:03 GMT

One summer half over. One summer spent in novels and little else. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World - Haruki Murakami. Half of Specimen Days - Michael Cunningham, which I put down because it was just awful. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami, which I never wanted to end. Now it's Cosmopolis because I haven't read any Don Delillo in awhile. His prose is more like poetry and that makes my pen move. And then? I just want more Murakami, but I don't want to run out.

Sleater-Kinney disbanded. Terrible news, but what could they possibly do after The Woods? It doesn't get better than The Woods, although The Hot Rock was my close personal favorite.

The apartment has been rearranged for maximum air-conditioning chi. It looks and feels like a brand new bag, almost like a city apartment. Yesterday I made a purple Jesus shrine for the bathroom. I'll post pictures on blogger soon.

In a few short weeks, we'll be in Chicago for the Pitchfork Music Fest and then it's down to Austin to see the much missed Brigette.

(I know it's hard for you to let it go
I know it's hard for you to say goodbye
I know you need a little more time)

there's a fish in the percolator

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 14:52:32 GMT

The best way to fight depression is to talk to someone who has it worse than you do. That's enough to make me say, "Ok, you know what, I'd really rather have a good day after all."

And so Will, Kibodeaux and I travelled to New Orleans on the 4th of July where we were rained on in blissfully nice ways all the way from our lucky on-street parking to the Whole Foods on Magazine for Strongbow and Sweet Stout to the hookah bar on Frenchman. We lounged for a couple of hours smoking Triple Apple and scooping up hummus on deep-fried pita bread before making our way back to the river for more cider and fireworks. I had such a nice time that I might consider moving to New Orleans in a couple of years. It's urban and independent and not awfully expensive and steamy a la Tennessee Williams. Michael, how does it bode for you?

I think today might be my first day at the Hattiesburg Public Library. Whee!

I think today might also bring the arrival of Twin Peaks Season 1, Disc 2. Double whee!

just like a woman

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:40:34 GMT

Why, as a woman, is it so hard to find and make female friends and then keep them?

I used to make female friends soley to convince them to make out with me. Now that I'm past my predatory phase, I just want a girlfriend I can trust. A girl friend. And relate to. Who isn't into drugs because I'm getting out of them. Who likes to read. A lot. And doesn't only talk about boys. And isn't smitten with my exboyfriend who broke my heart. And isn't an alcoholic. And isn't Ann Louise or anything like her, except that I miss her so much sometimes that I want someone just like her without my attraction to her. Someone who won't walk all over me. And doesn't want to make out with me. Someone I'm not afraid to talk to about my past, who is my age, who is domestic, who is goal-driven and likes weird clothes and thrift shopping.

I meet so many wonderful ladies. They are all over Hattiesburg. But there is something that keeps me from bonding to any of them in friendship. The truth is, I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid they are smarter than me, cooler than me, and bored with me. But I'm through with fear anyway. I had a bad trip the other night and making it through that convinced me that I could make it through just about anything. There's nothing worse than a haunted psychadelic headspace. I want off that bandwagon. I'm done with drugs. I don't like the way my brain feels when I'm high.

I got a job downtown at the library. We got a house and then lost it. I'm going to heat up some curry, clean the fridge, bathe the dog, dye my hair, make a necklace. We're in the brainstorming phases for a new art party. Any thoughts?

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 01:28:17 GMT

Did you know that Comfort Food is going out of business for good? The owner got a job with the state which stipulates that he can't own a business while working for them, much to Hattiesburg's culinary detriment. Their last day is Friday, June 30, so get your parantha and taco jollies while you still can.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 03:29:10 GMT

Pictures of kittens up at http://ashleylarouge.blogspot.com/

Because, inside, you know you need a kitten, and there are only three! So snap one up while they're still free, because in a couple of days you'll have to pay for one at the shelter.

Tue, 30 May 2006 14:38:09 GMT

So what's up with Burke not stopping by my yard sale? That's what I wanna know.

Now I play the waiting game. Waiting for the university, waiting for the GRE. Preparing. Any tips, those of you who have already taken it? I've downloaded fancy software and I've got two weeks.

We found three adorable kittens in a pile of rubbish on the side of the road in Petal. They are so fucking cute and bug-eyed, but we have no place for kittens right now! Does anyone want a beautiful rescued kitten?

kissin on a mirror

Tue, 02 May 2006 15:48:35 GMT

I love taking lazy mornings to sit on the porch, drink coffee, and read Brave New World when I should be hustling to get to Latin, writing a paper, or otherwise beating myself on the head with the school stick.

MMM hunger strikes. Hunger strike!

Julian makes me want A & B. Which is actually better than Panda, you insolent infidel.

Work and laundry and the waiting game. Tonight I analyze the use of repitition and return in themes of death in contemporary science-fiction. Also known as my fun paper. Does death exist in the future? Or are we doomed to be programmed into constructs that endlessly repeat our living mannerisms? Is there cyborg death? Is there cyborg life? If when an artificial intelligence is cut off, it simply ceases to exist, does that also apply to the human? Or like AI, can we be popped back into existence by a mere reprogramming and a flip of a switch...or cloning?

Pictures up at Ashley la Rouge.

moving on, moving back

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 02:52:57 GMT

If I say I'm going to be posting a lot more at a new blog, will you guys still keep up with me?

Try it out.

http://ashleylarouge.blogspot.com/

I can post pictures!!!

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 21:06:03 GMT

Spring break, please don't end.

Anxiety does grow. I keep telling myself that I need only to focus on present situations and solutions before I start bellyaching about paying back loans, moving away, grad school, etc etc etc. Will and I both want to move as soon as he graduates but I feel like the smart thing to do would be to get my grad degree for free if possible at USM because there are few few few library jobs that don't require a masters, but there are loads of available jobs for ALA accredited librarians. I know I don't want to work in food service for five more years. Do I want to get my graduate degree at 24 or 27? Oh but I long to leave Hattiesburg. I feel like if I stay, Will may leave. If he stays, will he feel resentful of me not taking the risk to move? If we leave, will I be a waitress under huge finacial stress trying to pay off loans and save money and for how long?

OK current situations. Before any of these decisions can be made, I have to graduate from college and apply for a job at USM. If I don't get that job, no free grad school. And that shapes everything.

We played at the Hippo again last night, two new songs and one older one. The two new ones, "Buzzard Roost, MS" and "Watcher Watcher" were splendid. But then I fucked "Freight Train" up when I relaxed and stopped paying attention for a second. I know no one even noticed but us, but man did I mess up. It's fun though and I like the attention. I think it's time we start thinking about recording...we're booking a show at 206 for May and we also have the pause(d) art thing coming up. If only we had a band name! Last night a girl told me we should be called the Purple Angels. Yeah, maybe not.

Oh Neuromancer. I so do not want to read this book right now.

SO this week if I can get some work done on the Pearl paper, the SCIFI project, and the ecopsychology paper, then I'm in good shape for a weekend trip to Arkansas for a wedding and lots of Fat Tire ale.

Just....calm down girlie. Let Peaches sing you a little lullabye.

Motherfuckers wanna get with me, lay with me, love with me. All RIGHT.

All right.

cryptic and burning burning

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:44:02 GMT

Boxed wine is forever. I mean, it lasts forever.

I'm on fire for The Handmaid's Tale. Burke, you simply must do your reading.

Wrote another couple of paragraphs on that late late paper. At this rate, I'll be done in another year or so. Vaseline doesn't move this slow. Especially not for Matthew Barney.

My sci-fi project is going to be in reflection of images of infinite recurrence in the films I have/will show and how these images illustrate science-fiction and fantasy as aspiring towards ultimate recognition and acceptance of humanity.

Will and I will both be in Hattiesburg this summer. He's taking classes and working and I guess I'm just working, but maybe now I can have hobbies again...oh sewing machine, how strange we are to one another. But this means, yes, this means NETFLIX. We are planning a week in NYC in the space between semesters and then perhaps at the end of the summer, a week in Austin. So those of you darlings who will be here this summer, we must not fall out of touch as soon as I drop off campus. There is a library job at Cook that I have my eye on, but it may depend on my final grad audit, which may or may not go through. I honestly can't get enough of a hard-on to care about it, which I'm sure I'll regret later. It's not like I'm going to quit waitressing five shifts a week if I'm working full-time anyway. It's time to make some goddamn money already. Get out of debt with the law. Eat like a queen. Like right now, it's looking like I'm on my way to Chinese food because I don't feel like cooking. I can eat Chinese food if I damn well want!

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 00:18:07 GMT

Everyday something gives me a charge or if not a charge, a reason to keep it moving. Sometimes it's seeing Burke at the library, or Tina or Lindsey on campus somewhere. Sometimes there's free breakfast at Southbound thanks to my new downstairs neighbor and beautiful friend-lady Raney. Sometimes it's the bathroom sink and a big shit-eating grin now that the bathroom sink is no longer just the bathroom sink. Today it is Friday...I ate Will's leftover killer coconut spicy rice after work and now I'm working on my second pint of Steel Reserve. The sun is setting, I have the weekend free and I think tonight I'm going to make popcorn, watch Stardust Memories and drink til I pass out. Tomorrow is the downtown Heritage Festival where there will be an iron pour and a free show from Grupo Fantasmo and my best lady friend Semalea with whom I will dance a crazy crazy mad lady dance.

I'm working on a poem for the first time in awhile, not the song lyrics I've been penning for the band, but an actual poem. I read Elizabeth Bishop's "Crusoe in England" while sitting at the bagel shop and the islands burped out. Hers is a long one and it's too good as a whole to extract from, may I suggest looking it up? Bishop was exactly what I needed to read the other morning. She's just distant enough to make the close things less painful, but no less relevant, no indeed. But I'm proud of this poem, proud that there is still a well of words in me, despite the feeling that I'm losing them minute by minute. I watched Slam Nation again earlier this week and there's nothing else to say except that Saul Williams... he definately gives me a charge.

so it's good and it's complicated

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 00:41:38 GMT

There are the new friends from Pheonix for a week and nights at the bar where I know everyone. There's learning how to talk in the kitchen, fighting back tears and slicing carrots. There's paying the bills and watching tornados over the ice cream parlor; there's also a wedding approaching and it's certainly not mine. Two nights of waitressing, my first won game of Scrabble- there's a summer approaching and that, well that is mine all mine. So frightening and impending in a blackclouds/bluesky kinda way. There are days that start good and go sour at midnight on the beach, when it doesn't make sense to you and it doesn't make sense to me. Then there's the first thing I see every morning and shopping for vegetables and all the same friends and all those friends who moved away.

Semalea says that Jenny Lewis is stupid but I can't get enough of her, or Neko Case. We saw Wilco in Meridian last Wednesday and I can't believe I didn't give A Ghost is Born a second chance. Hanging out with Shereen was so great. I was happier eating at Waffle House with Anderson than I ever thought I would be. I love watching people react to him.

Will's friend Rebecca stayed with us a week so we cooked a lot and went to New Orleans and Mobile. Having apartment guests is fun, especially when they are as sweet and adorable as this funky lady.

It's six thirty, where's This American Life? Has programming changed?

nowhere man can you see me

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 04:05:53 GMT

Two possible job openings. One of which means I could be taking graduate classes for free...this summer? It's looking more and more that I may be Hattiesburg-bound this summer for my own good...working full-time in the library, taking free classes towards a masters in library science, playing in a band? I won't have the guts to sit down with myself or Will until I know for sure, but Will is going on the summer trip whether I am or not, which is good for him. Maybe it would be good for me to stay and work and achieve recognizable career goals. And be in a band. Which could be fun. But Hattiesburg in the summer. Ugh. But also money, full-time money. Maybe I could take two weeks and go somewhere fun... I simply have to decide to do the thing that will get me further in the long run. So we'll see what that is.

Made lasagna the other night. Mmmm. Ate it again at brunch yesterday. Last weekend I quit my job at Books A Million because fuck those guys. Sang with Semalea at the Hippo on Wednesday. I wrote song song parts to go with her song parts. At times it's like a Southern acoustic gothic folk Sleater-Kinney. I'm taking this Wednesday off to learn PJ Harvey songs. I can finally play barre chords. Damn I was getting discouraged until yesterday.

I wish there was a better way to post photos to lj. I don't wanna pay!

Pause(d).Art is April 29.

We can't be Semalea and the Bitches. What should our band name be?

publicity

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:27:46 GMT

Envy.Art is in the Hattiesburg American!

open mic night

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 16:40:33 GMT

I sang at the Thirsty Hippo last night!

Sam played guitar and together we did three Ani songs: Overlap, a rockabilly version of Anticipate, and the most dead-on dramatic slaying of Adam and Eve. I mean, socks were knocked off, people were hitting on me, it was disgusting and wonderful and now I want to do it every week. Will and Kibedeaux also played, and Semalea and Dean were there kissing and holding hands and Jersey had some things to say to me that were recieved in the best girl/friends fashion that they could have been intended. It's so weird having exboyfriends sometimes. Overall, very good, very rewarding. I mostly wanted to do this so that I can get used to singing in front of people and, uh, I think I'm used to it now.

The Bitches are on.

I hope. If we ever get to rehearse again.

Anyways. My next open-mic project. PJ Harvey.

That's right. It's time to take a step back from folk and rock the fuck out. This time, I'm playing the guitar.

among other things

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 08:03:40 GMT

Booksamillion closes at nine on Sundays. We usually leave by one AM.

Tonight somehow it was alright with me. My feet hurt but my knees were ok. Now it's 1:30 and I'm drinking Old Lefty (er Southpaw) and the artshow is behind us. Those who went I think had a good time. At the very least, much wine was enjoyed by all who were there from 6 pm til about 10. And then everyone else in young Hattiesburg showed up, excluding certain conspicuous faces. I showed Bedroom something like seven times to groups of five to twelve (crammed in that attic!). There was much fear of the attic steps, the word "rickety" overheard more than a few times (collective vocabulary consciousness?) but most everyone braved them and made themselves comfortable for the seven or so minutes they were up there. Thank-you USM Equipment Services for the kind and free use of your excellent projector. For those of you who missed it, the concept was to build a bedroom in the attic with bare white sheets for walls and film myself interacting with the bedroom: sitting on the bed, tossing and turning, sitting at the desk writing, pacing, pacing, pacing, reading outloud Anne Sexton's "The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator," breaking down in the corner, screaming. Josh filmed it and we edited it together. He really gave it visual style. We took something like thirty minutes of film and used a little over five minutes. There were scenes where my boob fell out of my shirt, and one where I was compulsively scratching my ankle, but at that angle, it looked like I was masturbating like a Bonobo money. Then Will and I sat down and recorded the audio. Wavery, isolated guitar notes and the great thundering noise the amp gives when hit with a fist, myself answering a cell phone when the me on film makes a drunk call, three verses of Sexton's "Ballad" and then a rush of my own words from a poemof mine, a nice touch added by Will when he worked on it while I was at the damn bookstore. All together, the film is...a little intense. I made up the bed in the attic and we took the projecor up to show the film on the bare bedroom. I put down a corduroy mat for viewers and a strand of stringlights so that no one would fall off the edges of the room (this attic is a little scary).

I have to say...I've never done anything with film before, never conceptualized an installation, never put a soundtrack to art, never bared myself on camera so emotionally...the whole experience, from concept to fruition, has been incredibly empowering. Something has been happening to me in the past few months. It's scary but...I can see that this is the futuring arriving in that way that it never does and I feel equipped to handle it. Like...I'm handling it. Here I am, handling all of this, beautifully.

Look at me getting smug. Art is masturbation. And masturbation is good.

Post and between showings, I sang and danced because I was pretty drunk and I love the Beatles and I love Semalea Jenson, and all the artists who came and showed their beautiful work, and all the people who came to look at it. My favorite parts: John Allen's "Pornograffiti", Julian Vu rocking the houseparty with Feist and his magic box, dancing with Jessica, Colby's spray-painted alter to to his alterego, Nick Sorlein showing up with my brother, the group rendition of "Don't Let Me Down."

Overall, yeah, I'd say envy.art went down the way a young bohemian punk art show might go, and splendidly so.

sci fi theory

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 17:51:29 GMT

Humans = self-involved, self-invented gods. No wonder we must find a belief system, we are only searching for ourselves.

Posthuman? Were we ever human? Humanity is mythology, an invention to keep ourselves feeling important, dominant, using tools and machines as if we could control the future (which never arrives).

Obsessing over classmates and myself and my boyfriend and my dog. What is the meaning that does not mean?

I'm no more a woman than Jesus was a man. - Anne Sexton

bedrooms and windows

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 05:01:31 GMT

I changed my interests on my userinfo to more accurately reflect my current disposition. I just can't afford to drink beer like I used to. You know, good beer. Me and Mickey's keep going out and getting along ok. The difference is now I smoke good pot.

Bedroom is coming along splendidly. The film is done, the projector procurred, and the audio recorded. One more day...

This thing is becoming much much larger than its super bohemian parents initially were afraid to admit they imagined.

Watching oneself on film is masturbatory. It just gets you right off.

My brother is moving back to the burg. Hello brother! I once said we could never live in the same town, but maybe if the chemicals are just right.